Looking Back
by Habato
Summary: Day 9 Phanniemay'14- Time Travel- He wished it had never happened. But it had. He shouldn't have gone to London. But he did. He shouldn't /have/ to go back in time, back to before they met, just to see him. But he did. Clockwork wished a lot of things, but he wished most that his best friend wasn't gone. But he was. (Lost Time what-if-in-the-future idea, minor LT spoilers, death)


His core hurt. Everything seemed to hurt recently, mainly his core, partially his mind. His core from the loss, the pain, the despair that seemed to eat his every conscious moment. His mind from the energy spikes his emotional state caused his core to leap through- trying to keep them down, keep his powers in check, keep others from being hurt. He was in pain, but there were still people who he cared about that he could hurt if he didn't keep it together. Keeping it together was one reason he decided to try this trick, thinking that maybe seeing him again, even if he didn't remember their time together, would help him calm down, take control of his life again.

Why did he ever think that.

The street was crowded- London was usually crowded though, so it was normal. The humans on the street walked by him without a glance, almost like he was invisible, but he knew he wasn't. He should have been, but he wasn't. He should have been in the air, on a roof, somewhere that would tempt him less. But he wasn't.

It didn't take long to find him- even now, even in the past, when they had yet to meet each other, he could hear his voice, his step, his hearts beating from a mile away in a crowd and know it was him- his friend had called it odd and a little creepy, but had laughed it off. He should never had met that man. They should have known each other their whole lives.

He was across the street, having just come out of some little shop- an ice cream bar, if the cones in their hands said anything, but it didn't matter. The girl was walking next to him, just as he had always described her- bright and pink and yellow and happy and shining and _oh,_ he could see why they had fallen for each other, and he was happy that they had that time of happiness, even if it ended. Just like their time together had. Just like his had.

His voice could be heard almost all the way down the block, even over the noise- his pompous voice carried that way, he had to be heard, but that was something endearing about his nature. He was smiling like he was the happiest man in the world- good. He deserved to be happy, if only for a little while. Because soon the girl would be gone and he would be broken- even after they met and became each other's crutch, he was still broken from losing her. It was good to finally see how happy he'd been while he was with her.

Somehow, in his thoughts, he had walked across the street- he hadn't noticed this subconscious act, and panicked a little inside. He shouldn't be this close, shouldn't have even been in this city, let alone the other side of the street. He couldn't focus, he would lose his control focus, he'd break-

They were coming closer now, and he saw them holding hands, laughing, giggling at some inside joke, the girl licking ice cream off of her cone and lips. Every step closer to them made his core burn- he wouldn't be able to keep face, but he couldn't leave now.

They came closer, and he saw that he was still wearing that odd blue suit and red shoes and that flowing tan coat, strutting along the street in the lively step of a man in love. If only he could stay that way- didn't matter if they never met, if his friend could just be happy like this forever, happy and in love and- and not gone. Regenerated, in another dimension, anywhere as long as he was happy and alive and well. But he wasn't. This was the past and it was the past he couldn't change unless he wanted to cause a paradox so big it'd rip them all to pieces and he couldn't ever do that to anyone no matter how much his core was _burning, burning, pulling him to talk, he's right there, alive and well, talk to him, go to your Doctor, he's still here, he's not gone he's not gone he's not-!_

He wasn't looking where he was going. There was a jolt, something spilled onto the street, a startled yelp from a man-

"Oh dear, now look what i've done-"

"Doctor! I told you to finish that before something like this happened!"

"Yes yes, Rose, you were right. Sorry, by the way, must not have been watching where I was going."

The voice prompted him to look up at the man's face and the smile there nearly broke him. There was fire in his throat and his eyes were blurring and his core was crushing itself in pain because _he's right there, smiling, happy, he's okay he's okay everything's okay -__**but it's not because this is the past and in the present he's gone and lost and nothing is okay because he's not there he's just NOT!**_

He forced himself to keep breathing, to back up from the hand coming for his shoulder and the apologetic faces- forced distance between him and his not-gone best friend- no this wasn't that man, not yet, he was _happy_ here.

"I-I'm sorry." He choked out, blinking until his vision was clear and trying to keep at least the illusion of breathing- he already saw the suspicion in his old friend's eyes, the curiosity, the worry. "It was my fault. I really am sorry but-" He trying not to choke on his own words and walk past, leave them behind, leave the happy times while they lasted and leave this one without him collapsing on the floor in a ball of pain and anger and despair and madness because he was _gone_ but _right there_-

"Hey hey, whoa, wait!" He was pulled back by the shoulder. " Come on, it's okay- equal blame, how about? Come on, let me at least apologize for my part-"

"I'm sorry, but I really must go-" His voice wasn't cracking, _he_ was cracking, breaking, and _dammit_ he had to get out of here before he shattered to pieces- when he did let it be alone, where no one would get hurt.

"Are you alright?" He blinked, and his vision was blurry again and something was running down his cheeks- he quickly threw an arm against his face, wiping the tears away that had fallen without his notice.

"What's the matter?" His friend- the man that came before- had him by both shoulders now, holding him steady, and really that might have been the only thing keeping him together at the moment.

"Doctor, what did you do?"

"I didn't do anything! He just-"

"It's fine." They snapped back to look at him. "You just- you just remind me of someone." He took a breath, tried not to look at their faces. "Someone that...left recently."

"Oh…" The crowd ignored them for the most part, parting around them, and he knew he had to leave. He'd done to much already.

"I'm...I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry- I didn't-"

"N-no, it's fine." He choked, and then he forced his eyes shut and ripped himself from the man's grasp, turning and running back to the alley he had originally come out of, across traffic with car horns blaring, but he didn't care- what could they do to him? _Kill him?_ that'd be laughable- but a welcome gift. If it were possible.

The second he got out of sight. he shot straight up in the air, invisible, clutching his arms around his body, watching as they dashed into the alley and looked around in confusion.

"What _was_ that?"

"I don't know but-"

"Not human?"

"Definitely not-"

He couldn't stand it anymore. A speeding flight later, and he was at least three blocks away in a nearly empty parking lot, trying not to collapse.

This was a bad idea. He felt like a fragile china vase, shattered but somehow still holding its shape, waiting for a puff of air to cause all the pieces to fall to the ground. What had made him think to do this?

"_That's who it was- it was you!" A finger was pointed in his face, and he raised an eyebrow over it at the Doctor's shocked expression._

"_Excuse me?" The ice cream cone in his hand was starting to melt, but he hardly felt hungry- the Doctor had insisted, though. It was a normal human thing, and he felt they could do with playing pretend, at the very least. it was supposed to be fun- and not a near-death experience._

"_That day- before I met you, I was with-" he stuttered to a stop, and Clockwork needed no explanation of who he was talking about. "I was with _her_, and we had gone to an ice cream shop- she wanted ice cream, and I wanted to take her to the best ice cream in the galaxy, but she just wanted the plain old human shop down the street. Outside the place, someone ran into me, and I knew he wasn't human just by looking in his eyes, but he ran off. we tried to follow him, but he disappeared right as we lost sight of him, and we never saw him again." The Doctor took a bite out of his ice cream, looking up in thought. Clockwork just kept raising his eyebrow at his friend._

"_And this was me...how?"_

"_It-" The Doctor stopped, ran a hand through his hair, made hand gestures, trying to explain this innate feeling of just _knowing_ this fact. "It just- it was _you_, I just know it now- you had the same eyes, and I'm almost _positive_ he had your scar."_

"_Why in the world would I do a thing like that?"_

"_I don't know...but...for some reason, you- they- were crying."_

And so he was, and the sobs wouldn't stop shaking his body. It was a horrible, awful, terrible idea to come, the china was cracking more and shivering like so much grass, and he was going to fall apart, he knew it. He had to get home- Sol was already coming for him, though. It had taken him a while to figure out where his older brother had gone, but Sol was sure to be close to finding him.

Clockwork stood up, still sobbing, eyes blurred useless with tears, and he was thankful he didn't need legs or he wouldn't be able to get upright.

He looked around the area, to see if anyone was there, but midway through he stopped- there. A tall blue blur. He wiped his eyes again, and she was there, humming quietly in his mind, curious, worried. The TARDIS. Of course- of course he had somehow stopped next to her. He felt her now, trying to reach out to him, figure out what he was- but he pushed her back, gently. He was too broken- the familiar contact was only shattering him further. She was gone too- gone with him, as always, they never separated.

His resistance only made her push more, trying to figure him out. He kept away in his mind, but his body was slowly floating closer. Before he knew it, he was right by her doors, tears in his eyes again.

Slowly, gently, he put a hand on the old wood, felt the ship thrumming with life, then ripped his palm from the wood as if it burned.

He turned back, floating away, trying to ignore her curiosity, trying to forget the warm comforting feeling he had always gotten when he was flying with them, because it only made his pain feel stronger-

Another hand was on his shoulder now, bigger, gentler. Then, he was engulfed in his younger brother's arms, the grey-blue fabric of his shirt pressing against his face and their chin resting on his head. He grasped at the shirt, buried his head in the fabric, knew he'd regret this later, but sobbed again Sol's arms squeezed around him tighter, and he sighed.

"I thought you were supposed to be the smart one. I'm the one that's supposed to make stupid mistakes."

Clockwork said nothing.

"She's back home, worrying about you, you know. She's still here." The only one keeping him halfway sane, trying to fill the hole that just wasn't for her, no matter how much she wished to help him.

"A glass half full is still missing half of its water." He whispered, almost too quiet to hear.

Sol sighed again, and he felt his brother slowly let go, so he did the kept hold of his shoulders, and pushed him carefully towards the portal he had come through. At the edge, Clockwork stopped. Both of them glanced at the TARDIS, the box watching silently.

"Don't show him this." Clockwork said, and even though he was quiet and far from her, he knew she heard. She wouldn't show him the footage, or even mention it.

"Goodbye..." Sol breathed, and Clockwork shook his head and rushed himself through the portal ahead of his brother.

This couldn't be bye. That couldn't be the last time he saw the TARDIS, the Doctor.

His Doctor couldn't be dead.

But he was.


End file.
